Saturday, May 29, 2010


stop treating me like i am worthless. because i have news for you. no matter how much you think i am just stupid scum of the earth, that i'm a hopeless dreamer that needs to wake up, or that i'm good for nothing. you. are. wrong. i am not worthless. i'm not. and i'm sick of hearing it over and over and over again. leave me be. i have dreams to go after. and you yelling at me all the time doesn't do anything but hurt you. so shut up and let me live my life. you can't tell me my worth anymore.


i am leaving. you know that don't you. i am leaving. and i might not ever come back. are you sad? are you going to miss my free soul? i won't know. because i am not you. but i'm hoping you will. i will miss you brown cat, said the free soul. i will miss you free soul, said the brown cat.


i am a free spirit. cages just aren't my fancy. i like to fly. it's just getting over the falling that's the trick. sometimes i catch the wind. but i look so far ahead that i can't see the beauty of the clouds surrounding me. i am so future driven i forget to love the now. or at least i forget to tell it i love it. but. i am not going to forget anymore. the future is bright for me. but so is right now. i love you clouds.

Friday, May 28, 2010


yesterday was the beginning. a terrifying beginning. we were baby birds thrown from the nest and expected not to fall. we had no choice really. unless we didn't try. but i tried. and you tried. some at least. we're never going back to that nest. and i am never going to see any of my other birds again. i am going to miss you. did you hear that the hater said it. i am going to miss you. you don't understand how much. your face. your smile. your personality. i am going to miss everything. but we've been thrown from the nest. and we can't go back. we've got to begin to let our wings carry us now. good luck baby bird. i know it's hard. but we all have to begin somewhere.

Monday, May 24, 2010


it is may twenty fourth today. and there is a blizzard afoot. it is completely white. like someone has put wax paper over the whole earth and everything is a fuzz. there is one question that comes to my mind. why? honestly. why? someone has a really crude sense of humor. snow snow go away come again... in december how about. thanks.

Saturday, May 22, 2010


i walked outside today and it was raining. the smell was divine. i wanted to sit on my roof but i was afraid i would slip and fall and break a fairly important bone. so... i didn't. i like to think on my roof. about life. boys. the future. the current popular topics. everything is good. so amazingly good. there are down sides. there are always down sides. but i like to think. not to hard. not to little. but thinking and the rain and my roof. all just clear my head.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


things are okay right now. boy stats... 0/0... and yess that is still one hundred percent. i'm happy. life gets me down. but i've been smiling lately. a few tears shed. but life does that. i'm going to senior ball tomorrow. :) thank you jake partridge. and i will be beading all night. if i have red hands... it's blood from pin pricks. well. i've got work to do. so i won't be changing font sizes today. sorry. have a great one. life can always suck... but smiling makes it suck less.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010



relief. i have succeeded. i have started to prove to the world that i, lya amber santa maria, can make it in the world. that i have what it takes to be the best. :)

top five. top five. top five.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


i don't know how many of you know this. but i have a pen pal. and i don't talk about him so much. so he gets a blog today. his names is Niels Ternov. and so many times i have spelled it neils. you think us crazy american girls would learn. :) he is eighteen years old and lives in Sweden. you might be thinking... how did this mexican american ever meet a swedish person? well it was by sheer coincidence actually. we were both on holiday. (i'm calling it that now, vacation is such a lame word) in mexico. some of you know that i have mexican relatives, that of all places live in mexico. how unpredictable. well anyway. i was on holiday. he was on holiday. both of our families decided to go to the same ancient lighthouse and beach on the same day at the same time. i remember the very first time i saw him. he was a looker. but he wasn't speaking a recognizable language. there was a shuttle to the beach, thirty minutes from the lighthouse, where he, his lovely mother and sister sat next to me and my many sisters. i had a little one on my lap i believe. i wasn't talking too much, except for an occasional spanish phrase to my aunt. my spanish is very rusty. but then half way through the shuttle ride i said something in english to my sister. and shortly after that he started speaking to us. he didn't think we spoke english. and we didn't think he spoke english. how funny. well... we started a conversation and we all became fast friends. we talked the rest of the shuttle ride, and at the beach. they invited me to go snorkling with them. but i said i'd stay with my sisters. secretly i was afraid of the water. but that's not what i said. well, we went our seperate ways for a few hours. i remember his sister coming up to me and asking me if i had seen niels. but i hadn't. he had gone farther out snorkling, and hadn't come back to the beach yet. when he did get back to the beach he told us about a run in with a barracuda. he was wearing a shiny watch that had attracted the little bugger. the rest of the story was wishy washy, but we were all glad he was safe. then i went and ate some dinner with my family. my sister and i decide we should exchange emails with him. so i got up and he was walking towards us. he asked me if we cared to exchange email addresses. i love how foreign people are so on top of things and up front. so we did. and deep down i was hoping that he'd email me. so we wouldn't lose contact. he and i both knew we were going to be great friends. and he did email me. that next day. and i was so glad. after that day on the beach i have never seen him in person again. but we have talked. for two years almost. in july. we aren't as good at emailing each other as of late because we are so busy all the time. we are both graduating. so it has been so long. but some things are more important than talking to an old friend. i really trust him. and it is easy to. because he lives in sweden and i live here. and there is not one person he could tell my secrets to that i would care about them knowing. we are going to meet again someday. i know it. deep down. which sounds strange. but even if we are old and shriveled i think we will meet again.


i've been thinking. hazardous right. i'm sick of being the "hott" type. i don't want to be like that. i want to be beautiful and fun and the kind of girl guys want to have a relationship with. not that i need or want one right now. but i'm just that hott girl. no respect. i'm not even. at least i don't feel that way. i'm sick of people telling me that i'm jealous when i'm really not. and i'm sick of being the girl people think is so easy to take advantage of. and i'm sick of people turning their backs on me. and i'm sick of the looks i don't even have. i hate my looks. i hate them. hott is not a compliment to me.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I'm different you know.

strange dreams part one.

i am in a room. it's small and white. i am alone. in a white nightgown. what am i doing here? i try to speak but i can't. i don't know where i am or why i can't speak. nothing is making sense. i hear a voice. male. i recognize it. but i don't. the tone is strange. saying words i don't understand. there is no one there but me. i try to stand, but i can't. gravity is keeping me on the cold white floor. what is wrong with me. there is no door. or windows. just a blank box with me inside. i am scared. i don't want to be alone. but still i am. it is quiet. and i don't like the quiet. it hurts my head. my head is pounding. i don't want to be alone. a sound. quiet as a pin falling. but it is there. in a corner. there is someone. i know them. but i don't. they are walking towards me. help me up. but i still can't speak. my voice won't come. they are smiling at me. i think i love them. but i don't know them. then i am falling. in darkness. cold wind whipping my hair. i am going to die here. then i wake up.


william. william. oh william. i listen to your voice almost every night before i go to bed.

'what if i fall and hurt myself would you know how to fix me? what if i went and lost myself would you know where to find me? if i forgot who i am would you please remind me oh. cause without you things go hazy'

*sigh* i smile every time you sing those words. i don't even know you, but william fitzsimmons you're voice is amazing. so i am blogging for you. keep on singing.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


happy birthday sarah. we went and got dogtags today. cause we are a group, cult, fan club, shin dig, what ever you want to refer to us as. but that's what we are. and it was fun. i'm not as involved in this birthday as nicola. but i am a very busy girl. and i love sarah very much. but sometimes i just can't fit her in. :) i even had to leave before the hike :( you are great though. and i know you'll party it up being a woman and such. so happy birthday sarah. i love you.


today. i am excited. little ole' me gets to be a princess at a ball. hoorah. the prince? jacob partridge. he showed up on my doorstep with a flower and a request. classy boy. classy boy. cut straight to the chase. kudos. i am going to highly enjoy myself, i mean jacob partridge. he has fun written all over him. so i am pumped. yay. yay for seniordom. :)


long time no see. the past few days since i haven't blogged have been empty. i felt like there was something missing. strange i know. but it is true. blogging is now a part of my soul. and i never want to be gone that long again.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


this is the talk i wrote for mothers day when i spoke in sacrament meeting. topic: Mothers in the Scriptures. here it is blogging community.

the first women i think of when i think of "mothers in the scriptures" are of course the mothers of the two thousand stripling warriors. In Alma 56 verses 47-48 it states:

"Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: we do not doubt our mothers knew it."

This scripture makes me think of the kind of women these mothers had to have bee nand the attributes they must have obtained in order to have had such an incredible impact on their sons. "we do not doubt. our mothers knew it."

i believe each of these women were the definition of the "power mom". they simply knew how to be great mothers. they knew they had a responsibility as mothers to teach their children sharing their knowledge and faith.

Mothers and fathers have a great influence on their children starting at a young age and will, by that influence, aid in shaping them into who they will one day become. think of Moses, Joseph, Jesus Christ, Nephi, Captain Moroni, Joseph Smith and so many others. Their mothers were not just ordinary women. they were special. they were strong. they raised fantastic sons. Sons that respected them and loved them enough to never doubt. their mothers were so faithful that that faith rubbed off onto their sons.

"if you do not doubt god will deliver you"

This had been drilled into the heads of the Stripling Warriors. Starting when they were young boys. it was probably one of the constants in their lives. like 'the sky is blue', 'day is bright' 'night is dark'. they knew it. they did not doubt.

i can just imagine the pep talk before the warriors left for battle. the mothers sitting them down and saying for one last time before their sons set off for war. "if you do not doubt god will deliver you."

These mothers had to have been just as strong or stronger than their sons. It is one thing to go off to battle. it is another to send a son off to battle. But i can just see them smiling, with tears on their faces, so proud of the men their sons had become. the men they had helped shape because as mothers they had known. and taught. and loved. "they did not doubt"

I look at my mother today. she has taught me. and loved me. and now as my life turns into a battle, and as i grow into the person she has helped shape me to be, and as it is time for her to send me off into the unknown world. i know i want to maker her proud. and i do not doubt. because she knows it. she know that god will always be with us no matter where the wind blows us.

look at your mothers. they love you. and they teach you. they sacrifice everything for you. they want what is best for you. just as the mothers of the Stripling warriors did. they are shaping you into warriors. and they know. they know so much more than we know. and we shouldn't doubt. our mothers will never lead us astray.

And that is the kind of mother i want to be. i want to know. and i want to have an impact on my children that they will not doubt, in me or in God. I have so much respect for mothers. they have to be so strong all the time. stronger in a way that some of us do not yet understand. they are teachers, protectors, nurses, warriors, cooks, they are anything we need them to be.

One day i will be a mother. and i want to be as strong as my mother has been. because i know that if i do not doubt, my children will not doubt. i will have faith for them. i will be strong for them i will teach them and maybe one day i will hear them say. "we do not doubt our [mother] knew it."

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


sometimes you can't help but feel like yesterday's leftover meatloaf. you were good yesterday. but today the heat is gone. and it's gross. yuck. i know i don't like to eat leftover meat loaf. i'm not a fan. but sometimes. you can feel that way. but you know, you don't have to be the meatloaf. you can be the pizza. cold pizza is delicious. and there is always someone who will eat it. it's hard to turn up a good leftover pizza. so. make your choice. are you meatloaf? or pizza? either way it is your decision.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


growing up is hard. but i'd like for you to know. that i've done a little bit of that. growing up i mean. i did it. it was so hard. but i decided to bury what i had. what was driving me to insanity. i did it. and i cried. just a little bit. cause it was the one thing in this world that i wouldn't let go. the one thing i held onto. but i let go. i put it in a small box and buried it. it'll be better this way. and i feel so relieved. but at the same moment. i think i have to go dig it up. i can't leave it dirty in the ground. but i can't. because i've said it out loud and i meant every word. i'd like to cry right now. not because of this. but because i'm growing up. and it scares the cuss out of me. and i hate to be weak. but to those of you that read my blog. i am very vulnerable. grown ups don't cry. secret? i don't want to be grown up. it is a love hate relationship. growing up is hard. but we all have to bury the past sometime.

Monday, May 3, 2010


oh dorian. poor poor dorian. don't you hate it when you see someone break right in front of you. and you can't help them. you'd reach out in a second. you'd yell warnings. you'd tell him to stop listening to lord henry. but he can't hear. because he is just words. paper and words making a person. he isn't really real. but you make him real. you give him the breath he needs to live. if you don't read. he doesn't exist. aren't books funny like that?

Sunday, May 2, 2010


dear you,

hi. i am really awkward. and i mess up sometimes when i speak. and i find myself doing silly things. stupid things. just cause. it's kinda hard for me to explain. but i do. i am a silly girl. a silly girl that doesn't quite have as tight a grip on life as she wished she did. as she pretends she does. but fake it til you make it right? i am a girl that has thick eye brows. and chappy lips. and long tangely hair. but you still think i'm beautiful. and that makes me smile. cause sometimes it seems like the world isn't on my side. but you are, right? i over analyze things. all the time i do. and i get jealous over stupid things even though you don't like me to. i am a whole different person with you in my life, and i like that person. so i don't know why sometimes i hide from that person. you make her great. but i do stupid things that drive you away sometimes. you don't want to go. but i make you. and it's dark. and i don't like it. i don't like being alone. and i know everytime i push you away i am more alone and vulnerable than ever. i know you only want whats best for me. and everyday i get better. i just want to say thank you. for making me want to be the beautiful person you want me to be. i love you.


snipit. part one.

"knock knock"
"who's there"
".............." "i just doorbell ditched you"

"what space is this?"
"unprepared space"


"let's run Hyperventilation"

"where's gioia?"
"maybe she thought it was late start"

"Sometimes the dance makes the costumes...
then other times it's the costumes that make the dance"

"i have to pee. i have to pee. i have to pee"