Wednesday, February 15, 2017

crumpled & rebuilt.

I remember where I was standing when i got the first call. I was too many states away, with too much time separating me. It was a calm morning in Brea, CA we had just finished packing and I answered the phone, I was next to the pool table in the room we had called home for the last three days. I had run away to find brighter days and more vibrant skies but in an instant my perfect blue skies lost their color, and everything I was running from seemed unimportant. "9 hours" I said. "I will be home in 9 hours"

We barely made it to Barstow by the time I got the second call. It was time. 7 1/2 hours. 7 1/2 hours separated me from my good bye. She was unresponsive by the time they put the phone up to her and I told her I loved her one last time. I don't even know if she heard me. I hung up the phone and I crumpled. 70 miles an hour, wailing in the backseat of a white Subaru surrounded by strangers. Alfred patted my back, Bronson offered a tissue. I could feel their concern, even though I knew they didn't fully understand.

We pulled off the freeway and I couldn't get out of the car fast enough. My suntanned skin was tear-stained. Everything seemed so insignificant in that moment. I didn't get to hold her hand, I didn't get to say goodbye. I stared in the gas station bathroom mirror at my broken shell of a body. It was too much. How could she really be gone? What I felt next was a humming in my whole body. It was like I was surrounded by tar. It was too much.

My Aunt and second mother took her last breaths as I was at a gas station 540 miles away. She lived with my family for 13 years. She gave me a book for my sixteenth birthday and told me to never give up on my dreams. She lent me her car to go meet my very first boyfriend. She bought me luggage for my high school graduation so I could go see the world. She used to take us to the movies, or shopping, she made me smile. A few weeks before she passed I bought her favorite bath and body works lotion, because she said treatment made her hands dry. It was the last thing I ever gave to her. 3 years before her death she was diagnosed with cancer. And though she put up a hell of a fight, it metastasized and took her from us. She had impacted my life so deeply, and I felt that I couldn't give her the proper send off she deserved, I was too far away, sunken on the floor of dirty gas station bathroom.

I needed to drive, I needed to do anything to get my mind off everything. So I took the wheel, and no one challenged me on it. I was surround by eggshells, and no one wanted to set me off. for the next 6 hours I didn't speak, everyone took turns sleeping as I fixed my gaze on the road only stopping once for gas in St. George. My fatigue started catching up to me, and by Fillmore my best friend finally told me it was time to stop.

I didn't sleep that night, or the next. For a long time after that day, i felt numb, empty. I didn't feel pain, or joy. I was just floating in tar, humanity switch off. I have never felt that way before. and it has been to this day one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.  I've never been close to death. I've lost people in my family, but never this close. I didn't know how to handle it. I wanted for her to still feel near, so until graduation I carried around the book she gave me in my backpack, I never took it out.

I knew she was happy, I knew she was in a better place, I knew I'd see her again, but it was still hard. I used to sit in the temple pleading with my Father to help me feel again, to let my heart soak up the pain and let it go. But it took awhile, I was in my feelingless state for quite a time afterwards. Seemingly stuck. But I was lucky though. My senior piece was called From Deepest Wounds. And it delved into human resiliency and our ability to come out stronger when life hits us hard. Through crafting this dance, I began to heal. It was a gift. And I started to feel again. There was never an exact moment for me, it just started fading in so quiet I didn't even realize what was going on.

I think that is how we heal sometimes. Not in one, big, fast monumental fixing. But with distress slowly trickling away little by little, until you realize one day that you've been okay. Just like rebuilding one brick at a time. In time, with many bricks, we are strong and supported again. I'm not the same as I was, and I never will be. But the person that has been left through my experiences is strong. She has been able to use her experiences to better understand and empathize with others. She has been able to stand and move forward in times of trial. She has been able to smile again, and know that happiness is attainable in this life.

This time of year is still always hard for me. it's hard to think that just one year ago, my entire foundation was crumbled beneath me. But I know that there was something better built in its place. There is always something better. So, chin up. Times are hard, but never let life take away your vibrance.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

when all your fight is gone.

When All Your Fight is Gone

It is in the moments when you feel that all your fight is gone that you need to push back the hardest.

That is what didn’t happened today folks.

                               I lost my fight.

I have been pushing so long and so hard, that with one slip I shut down and lost that last little bit of strength I had.

I know better. I know better than to fall apart when things get hard. I know better than to let things affect me like this.

Because I have faith.

But if I have faith.
If I really believe.
              Which I really do…
Then why is it all still
            So excruciating?

Why does it still hurt so much?

I can’t find the disconnect.
I know what I am supposed to do.
          What I am supposed to feel.

But that doesn’t completely register with me. 


You know, I’m not actually sure. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Or why I believe what I believe. Why I have gotten the answers that I have.

I just don’t.

In all honesty
          It would be easier.

To let go. To succumb. To let my fire die. To give up.
It would just be easier that way.
                                          Wouldn’t it.

I keep thinking about Everest.

Those individuals were trained, they were prepared, they were ready. But when it came down to the end, there was no fight left. No oxygen, no strength. There was absolutely nothing they could do.

But die.

That sounds depressing. But it is true.

When going through this life, we are going to experience Everests. We are going to be prepared, trained, ready. But we will get to a point, when none of that matters anymore. And we will use up every single ounce of our strength, and all we can do is fold into the snow and give up.

But that is not how it is supposed to end.

And in truth
            That is not how it is.

Because we have the Savior.

The never failing rescue man. Who will bring us our oxygen, and will carry us down even through the most trying of circumstances.

This gets me thinking.

Why then…
Must we get to that point? To the point where we literally have no fight left, and all we want to do is give up.

The despair is agonizing.

It is because to know strength
               We must experience weakness

To know joy
     We must know pain

We can’t have the one without the other.

     I can’t appreciate hope
          Until I have felt loss.

                    That is all part of this.

     The falling apart,
               The wanting to stop

It’s because I’m human.

And I have to go through this.

No matter how much I REALLY wish I didn’t.

It is then, after I have done everything that I can do, that my savior will lift me up and take care of the rest.

It’s hard because he loves me.
                     He trusts me.

It’s part of what makes this crazy life… beautiful.

And you know,

     It’s still hard, and sticky, and complex at times.

But it is mine. And I have been trusted with it.

All I can do is just try.

Try to not give up the fight until my rescue arrives.

I don’t always succeed.
              Sometimes…(most of the time)I even fail miserably.

       But he is there anyway.

So even when my limbs are tired, and my heart misplaced, when my bones are shaking and my mind can’t handle any more.

Help is on it’s way.

Whether I feel like I’m worthy of it or not.

Thursday, March 12, 2015


An old poem from my collection. Written during my little infinities phase. "In moments of darkness, it is the memory of light that can save us"...


Nights are hard.
When the constant wind has beat against the rough edges of your soul.
The thoughts of inadequacy creeping in.
Poisoning all optimism
Left to fight back the fears that
Would soon consume you.
Exhausted from constantly offering
Your last thread of hope.

They need it.

Your hope.

and to see you fighting
To see you grasping on to the ledge
With your final ounce of strength.
To hear your warriors cry.

You need it too.
The will to never give up.

And you know...
The nights will still come
Seeming to steal your light
To push you down
With all its strength
ready to devour
the stars still shine
They offer you the strength
You need
When you cannot muster another step

A small token
A moment
A memory
Of a time where the sun still shines.

They need it.

The light.

You need it too.

Friday, July 11, 2014

12:24 am

I have been so unbelievably happy these days. Yesterday I had the chance to see one of my greatest friends Janae. Sitting in the rain, soaking wet, watching a softball game. The environment was not ideal but seeing my good friend brought me such great joy. I had been worrying a lot lately and she had just the right things to say that changed my perspective right around.

As the day concluded I was driving down the street with my favorite song blaring from the speakers. At that exact moment I was overcome with  peace and joy. I looked at the clock. 12:24 am.

I know times are going to get tough and I will undeniably freak out sometimes. But I have 12:24 to hold onto and remember in my hardest times that I have experienced pure untainted joy and love for life. Thanks Jay for helping me find my 12:24 moment. It's a good life.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


things are different now. my once sweetheart and former love of my life is engaged to a different woman. many people would find bitterness and hatred out of a situation like this. but to this i say,{ love is love.} though my love is different now, true love is pure and will last through even the most trying of circumstances. i loved my bo with all my heart, and i know we didn't work out. we chose different paths. but just because our paths no longer lead to each other doesn't change the {love} i once had. all the beautiful memories we made, and the tears that we shed. i became a daughter, sister, and aunt to those whom i was not related to. and i had the opportunity to find a version of myself that didn't need a second half. i could stand on my own. for this i can say i regret nothing. pure love is finding joy in the other's happiness. it is not selfish. though this love has morphed from a romantic to a platonic, i am not angry. i am not disappointed. i am happy that the man i once {loved} so dearly has found the person who will carry him to eternity. i had my fair share of mourning but i have grown strong, and i can stand. i am ok. my happily ever after is much different than i thought it would be just a year ago. but i am happy where i am. and i can smile that i am alive and that there are people that {love me.} The great thing about love is that there is plenty to be shared. there isn't ever just one true love. so i know things are different, but i don't have to be afraid of change, and i don't have to be angry. everything will work as it should.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

sure is crazy.

i sure am a lucky girl to have had my first interaction with my sweet bo documented in photograph. this picture is from the night we met. he was crazy about me already, and i didn't even notice. if you had asked the seventeen year old in this picture if she would have expected any of what was to come, she would have said no. but the twenty year old she is now couldn't be more thrilled.

i used to be the girl that never truly liked anyone. i just liked the idea of a someone. i would convince myself of a crush just for the purpose of thinking someone could care about me. but that always seemed to blow up right in face. i would get crazy and push people away, just as i even did with my bo.

when we first started out i remember telling him i liked him, and to my total surprise he confessed that he had been smitten from the first sight of me. i freaked. i was sure i had just invented in my head that i just loved the idea of a relationship, and that my feelings were false. so i pushed him away, he agreed to be friends again which was something that was much easier for a girl like me to do.

he patiently waited for me, and after a few months i realized how stupid i was being and that my feelings were true. i remember driving up to see him because i couldn't not for one more second.

even though i had kissed two others before him, i never really knew what it was supposed to feel like. i was sure kissing was really not all it was hyped up to be until i had my first with him. i couldn't even walk after our lips parted that first night. the feeling i had i never wanted to go away. it wasn't at all a physical experience as much as it was a connection of our souls. it was as if i didn't even know i had missed him all the years before. my soul missed him.

i will confess that having a relationship was hard. is hard. will always be hard. but loving him is easy. in every other situation i love to be in control. but when it comes to him i am whipped. i started to learn what love was really all about, and i found that i would do anything for him. not because i wanted something out of it, but just for the pure reason that i want to. i want to give him everything he needs. and i know he feels the same towards me.

the day he left to experience the big two years seemed like it was going to be the hardest thing in the world i would have to do. but with everyday it got easier, and i learned alot about me. i dated some others here and there, and even experienced some micro-relationships. but none of them were the same. the level of respect, trust, and friendship i was spoiled with in my relationship with my bo couldn't be beat, no matter how eligable the bachelor. and i came to the conclusion. i dont want anyone else. i have found my favorite flavor of ice cream, and i plan on sticking with him as long as he will still take me.

it sure is crazy to think of the memories we have together, and how far away they seem. everything was a flash, and i started to forget what it was like to have him here. but this is what i wanted. i wanted, no matter the temporary cost, for the love of my life to serve the lord, and find himself. i want to never give up because i know that even though its crazy... it will all be worth it.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

grown up.

however much I would like to pretend that I am still that little girl who loves playing house, I am actually a grown up now. I payed off my credit card today and my rent and utilities. Six year old me was so excited for the future, and she had no idea about bills that need to be paid. But she had it right to be excited. Being a grown up is full of sacrafice, and making hard decisions but the feeling I get knowing that I am doing it is the greatest reward. I can go to school full time time and get straight A's and work management at a job 25-30 hours a week. And I can get my bills paid and still wake up smiling. The best things in life are the ones you have to work for. I am so incredibly happy being a grown up.