Thursday, October 1, 2015

when all your fight is gone.

When All Your Fight is Gone

It is in the moments when you feel that all your fight is gone that you need to push back the hardest.


That is what didn’t happened today folks.


                               I lost my fight.


I have been pushing so long and so hard, that with one slip I shut down and lost that last little bit of strength I had.

I know better. I know better than to fall apart when things get hard. I know better than to let things affect me like this.

Because I have faith.

But if I have faith.
If I really believe.
              Which I really do…
Then why is it all still
            So excruciating?

Why does it still hurt so much?



I can’t find the disconnect.
I know what I am supposed to do.
          What I am supposed to feel.

But that doesn’t completely register with me. 

     Why?

You know, I’m not actually sure. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Or why I believe what I believe. Why I have gotten the answers that I have.

I just don’t.

In all honesty
          It would be easier.

To let go. To succumb. To let my fire die. To give up.
It would just be easier that way.
                                          Wouldn’t it.


I keep thinking about Everest.

Those individuals were trained, they were prepared, they were ready. But when it came down to the end, there was no fight left. No oxygen, no strength. There was absolutely nothing they could do.

But die.

That sounds depressing. But it is true.

When going through this life, we are going to experience Everests. We are going to be prepared, trained, ready. But we will get to a point, when none of that matters anymore. And we will use up every single ounce of our strength, and all we can do is fold into the snow and give up.

But that is not how it is supposed to end.

And in truth
            That is not how it is.

Because we have the Savior.

The never failing rescue man. Who will bring us our oxygen, and will carry us down even through the most trying of circumstances.

This gets me thinking.

Why then…
Must we get to that point? To the point where we literally have no fight left, and all we want to do is give up.

The despair is agonizing.
                     Draining.


It is because to know strength
               We must experience weakness

To know joy
     We must know pain

We can’t have the one without the other.

     I can’t appreciate hope
          Until I have felt loss.

                    That is all part of this.

     The falling apart,
               The wanting to stop

It’s because I’m human.


And I have to go through this.

No matter how much I REALLY wish I didn’t.

It is then, after I have done everything that I can do, that my savior will lift me up and take care of the rest.

It’s hard because he loves me.
                     He trusts me.


And.
It’s part of what makes this crazy life… beautiful.

And you know,

     It’s still hard, and sticky, and complex at times.


But it is mine. And I have been trusted with it.

All I can do is just try.

Try to not give up the fight until my rescue arrives.



I don’t always succeed.
              Sometimes…(most of the time)I even fail miserably.

       But he is there anyway.


So even when my limbs are tired, and my heart misplaced, when my bones are shaking and my mind can’t handle any more.

Help is on it’s way.


Whether I feel like I’m worthy of it or not.

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