long.

long time no see. the past few days since i haven't blogged have been empty. i felt like there was something missing. strange i know. but it is true. blogging is now a part of my soul. and i never want to be gone that long again.

mothers.

this is the talk i wrote for mothers day when i spoke in sacrament meeting. topic: Mothers in the Scriptures. here it is blogging community.

the first women i think of when i think of "mothers in the scriptures" are of course the mothers of the two thousand stripling warriors. In Alma 56 verses 47-48 it states:

"Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: we do not doubt our mothers knew it."

This scripture makes me think of the kind of women these mothers had to have bee nand the attributes they must have obtained in order to have had such an incredible impact on their sons. "we do not doubt. our mothers knew it."

i believe each of these women were the definition of the "power mom". they simply knew how to be great mothers. they knew they had a responsibility as mothers to teach their children sharing their knowledge and faith.

Mothers and fathers have a great influence on their children starting at a young age and will, by that influence, aid in shaping them into who they will one day become. think of Moses, Joseph, Jesus Christ, Nephi, Captain Moroni, Joseph Smith and so many others. Their mothers were not just ordinary women. they were special. they were strong. they raised fantastic sons. Sons that respected them and loved them enough to never doubt. their mothers were so faithful that that faith rubbed off onto their sons.

"if you do not doubt god will deliver you"

This had been drilled into the heads of the Stripling Warriors. Starting when they were young boys. it was probably one of the constants in their lives. like 'the sky is blue', 'day is bright' 'night is dark'. they knew it. they did not doubt.

i can just imagine the pep talk before the warriors left for battle. the mothers sitting them down and saying for one last time before their sons set off for war. "if you do not doubt god will deliver you."

These mothers had to have been just as strong or stronger than their sons. It is one thing to go off to battle. it is another to send a son off to battle. But i can just see them smiling, with tears on their faces, so proud of the men their sons had become. the men they had helped shape because as mothers they had known. and taught. and loved. "they did not doubt"

I look at my mother today. she has taught me. and loved me. and now as my life turns into a battle, and as i grow into the person she has helped shape me to be, and as it is time for her to send me off into the unknown world. i know i want to maker her proud. and i do not doubt. because she knows it. she know that god will always be with us no matter where the wind blows us.

look at your mothers. they love you. and they teach you. they sacrifice everything for you. they want what is best for you. just as the mothers of the Stripling warriors did. they are shaping you into warriors. and they know. they know so much more than we know. and we shouldn't doubt. our mothers will never lead us astray.

And that is the kind of mother i want to be. i want to know. and i want to have an impact on my children that they will not doubt, in me or in God. I have so much respect for mothers. they have to be so strong all the time. stronger in a way that some of us do not yet understand. they are teachers, protectors, nurses, warriors, cooks, they are anything we need them to be.

One day i will be a mother. and i want to be as strong as my mother has been. because i know that if i do not doubt, my children will not doubt. i will have faith for them. i will be strong for them i will teach them and maybe one day i will hear them say. "we do not doubt our [mother] knew it."

leftovers.

sometimes you can't help but feel like yesterday's leftover meatloaf. you were good yesterday. but today the heat is gone. and it's gross. yuck. i know i don't like to eat leftover meat loaf. i'm not a fan. but sometimes. you can feel that way. but you know, you don't have to be the meatloaf. you can be the pizza. cold pizza is delicious. and there is always someone who will eat it. it's hard to turn up a good leftover pizza. so. make your choice. are you meatloaf? or pizza? either way it is your decision.

buried.

growing up is hard. but i'd like for you to know. that i've done a little bit of that. growing up i mean. i did it. it was so hard. but i decided to bury what i had. what was driving me to insanity. i did it. and i cried. just a little bit. cause it was the one thing in this world that i wouldn't let go. the one thing i held onto. but i let go. i put it in a small box and buried it. it'll be better this way. and i feel so relieved. but at the same moment. i think i have to go dig it up. i can't leave it dirty in the ground. but i can't. because i've said it out loud and i meant every word. i'd like to cry right now. not because of this. but because i'm growing up. and it scares the cuss out of me. and i hate to be weak. but to those of you that read my blog. i am very vulnerable. grown ups don't cry. secret? i don't want to be grown up. it is a love hate relationship. growing up is hard. but we all have to bury the past sometime.

dorian.

oh dorian. poor poor dorian. don't you hate it when you see someone break right in front of you. and you can't help them. you'd reach out in a second. you'd yell warnings. you'd tell him to stop listening to lord henry. but he can't hear. because he is just words. paper and words making a person. he isn't really real. but you make him real. you give him the breath he needs to live. if you don't read. he doesn't exist. aren't books funny like that?

letter.

dear you,

hi. i am really awkward. and i mess up sometimes when i speak. and i find myself doing silly things. stupid things. just cause. it's kinda hard for me to explain. but i do. i am a silly girl. a silly girl that doesn't quite have as tight a grip on life as she wished she did. as she pretends she does. but fake it til you make it right? i am a girl that has thick eye brows. and chappy lips. and long tangely hair. but you still think i'm beautiful. and that makes me smile. cause sometimes it seems like the world isn't on my side. but you are, right? i over analyze things. all the time i do. and i get jealous over stupid things even though you don't like me to. i am a whole different person with you in my life, and i like that person. so i don't know why sometimes i hide from that person. you make her great. but i do stupid things that drive you away sometimes. you don't want to go. but i make you. and it's dark. and i don't like it. i don't like being alone. and i know everytime i push you away i am more alone and vulnerable than ever. i know you only want whats best for me. and everyday i get better. i just want to say thank you. for making me want to be the beautiful person you want me to be. i love you.

love,
lya.

snipit. part one.

"knock knock"
"who's there"
".............." "i just doorbell ditched you"

"what space is this?"
"unprepared space"

"PRESTON!"

"let's run Hyperventilation"

"where's gioia?"
"maybe she thought it was late start"

"Sometimes the dance makes the costumes...
then other times it's the costumes that make the dance"

"i have to pee. i have to pee. i have to pee"