hater.

yes. i have been hater lately. super hater. why? i don't know. hate is an awful emotion. but without hate there is no love. so maybe this hate is preparing me for love. maybe.

apology.

sorry. i'm really sorry. sorry for what? for over reacting. oh. i'm sorry for texting you sometimes even when you probably wish i wouldn't. ... i'm sorry for being a female headed weird face. ... i'm sorry for not leaving you alone. and saying stupid things. ... i'm sorry for being rude and jealous and retarded all the time. and i'm sorry i let myself get this far. ... that's okay. no. it's not. stop apologizing and beating yourself up. sorry. i just can't help it sometimes. cause it's all my fault. and know.

did.

did you know that broken hearts can physically harm you. i didn't.
did you know that hate can burn a hole through your soul. i didn't.
did you know that holding back tears can make you hurt... i didn't.

but now i do. life is an experiment isn't it...
wow. someone's got a cruel sense of humor.

drama.

i create alot of drama. sometimes i can't help it. i am just the "in the spotlight" kind of girl. drama stinks stay out of it.

uh-oh

this has bad news written all over it. uh-oh. cuss. this is no bueno. i think a part of my soul is combusting. it sucks. i don't want to give anyone a chance. i want you to have the chance. cause i sit and try. but still my heart explodes at the littlest things you do. uh-oh. i knew this was not good.

chirp.

there were birds chirping outside today. i heard them. maybe spring is finally arrived. the snow is melting over... and maybe other things should too. time for a new start everyone. winter kills everything, then spring comes and it is reborn again. i am going to be reborn again. well at least i want to be. the chirpy birds have given me hope. thank you birdies. i do love the sound of your voices.

ready?

hello blog readers. lately i've been thinking about my future. i was watching greek and find myself being the Casey Cartwright of my own life. i know what i want. and most times i go after it. that is just the way it goes. but Casey got scared. and that is exactly where i am right now. i am scared. scared that i'll fail. scared that i'll be alone. scared that i don't have what it takes. and i thought. i don't want to grow up. cause if i grow up, i'll be in a scary new place. i will be alone. i might fail. and i don't like that. i'm scared. i don't know if i'm ready. i want to be. but part of my heart wont let go of everything i've had, everything i've tried so hard to get. colorado is calling. it is so close... fall semester at the school of my dreams. but what if i fail. what if i am alone. what if you fail. what if you are alone... are you going to be ready? i know i'm doing everything in my power to be.