repetitive.

i need to start getting more creative with my blog titles. i just read back through the past few months of blogging and found i repeat titles. alot. haha. well. that's gonna have to change. feel free to virtually slap me if i reuse a title.

that is all.

thanks.

chapped.

my lips are chapped. symbolic. my lips hurt. and it hurts to speak. so i don't. there is so much i can't say because my chapping lips hurt. i don't have chapstick. symbolic. there is nothing to soothe my aching lips. so they are left chapped and ugly. ugly chappy lips. one voice. one opinion swallowed because it hurts too much to move my lips. symbolic. can you read the symbolism? maybe not. maybe. maybe one day i'll explain it. after my ugly chappy lips are once again soft.

constantly.

i am constantly hurting.
and i hide from the people
that most care.
they can't see me like this
troubled
confused
broken and hurting

i am constantly breaking.
something new every time
a boy
a sister
a life
something will always
break me.

i am constantly growing.
learning while hurting
learning while breaking
i know you love me.
and i will live my life for
You.

soulpiece.

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
*paramore

these words. are the words that ring truest in my head. it echos and screams... i will find happiness and my brain says get away. it never lasts. this is a fluke. so i run away. always. every single time. i always hurt myself first. before i let him close enough to hurt me instead. it is who i am. and i don't know why i'm programmed this way. i just am. if any of you were ever wondering what my soul looked like. here it is.

breakable.

have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
just a cage of rib bones and other various parts
so, it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
and to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

and we are so fragile
and our cracking bones make noise,
and we are just breakable, breakable,
breakable girls and boys
*ingrid michaelson

fragile. fragile. fragile hearts.
we are breakable people.
so insanely breakable.

don't break anyone.

shattered hearts aren't so easy to mend.

amen ingrid. amen.

william's song.

your brown eyes.
oh your brown eyes.
took me by surprise.
oh those brown eyes.

and i remember
when i thought
you were stupid
(ha still are)

but look at us now
you're showing me how
to laugh at myself
when things go wrong
and everytime i
just wanted to cry
you told me everything
was gonna be alright.
alright.

and everywhere i go
i really don't know
what i'm doin'
from here.

and i remember
when we talked
til three am.

and look at us now
you're showing me how
to laugh at myself
when things go wrong
and everytime i
just wanted to cry
you told me everything
was gonna be alright

and look at me now
you've showed me how
and now i can laugh
when things go wrong
and everytime i
just wanted to cry
i know that everything
is gonna be alright
alright.
alright.

you.

you. are. really. cute. when. you. sleep. you are peaceful. innocent. you look like you've never hurt a fly. this is how i am going to remember you. i think. alot. you are there sometimes. and i remember. the bad stuff. and the good. too bad the bad outweighed the good. we are friends. yep. friends. but you've stolen a piece of me that i can't ever have back. that sucks. but it happens. you taught me something. if i keep giving out my heart. there won't be anything left. i will be empty. and alone. but. you. are. really. cute. when. you. sleep. and this is how i am going to remember you.

blog.

blog count. this is post 118. :) i am so proud. i have been blogging for exactly 1 year 4 months 3 days 3 hours 56 minutes and counting. yay for blogging.

decided.

hi. it's me. of course. today i've decided. i want to be a better person. i do. life gets me down alot. but i don't let it bother me anymore. life is much too tiring when you try and let it bother you. anger hurts. not just me but everyone. anger is dumb. i like to be happy. happy that i can be the person that people like to go to. happy that i can live my life with no regrets. happy that i don't need a man to fill an empty void inside me. i'm not waiting anymore. i'm going to be the lulu i've always wanted to be. cause if i don't change today what happens if there is no tomorrow?

snow boy.

don't you rain on my parade. have you ever found out when someone says something nasty behind your back? it's an ugly feeling. today i found out that a certain curly headed blonde kid hates me. hate is a very strong word. and i do not know what i did to make him hate me. i have witnesses that can atest for me that i kept saying that this child and i are on good terms. i guess not? hmm. it's okay. just so you know snow boy i do not hate you. nope. no joe. and you probably won't read this. but i also forgive you for hating me. I'm sorry for whatever i did to hurt you. have a wonderful life (no sarcasm intended)

thinking.

sometimes when i think. i don't really think about what i'm thinking about. profound isn't it. sometimes i will sit for hours on end doing nothing, and realize. what the eff was i just thinking about. strange. so i have challenged myself. for three straight minutes write what i am thinking about at the very second i think it. so welcome to my brain. ready. go

i hate it when facebook flashes at me when i have a new message. shut up i know. this computer is making weird noises at me i think i will explode. my sister's birthday is tomorrow. she will be sixteen. i just went to type birthday and accidentally put a v instead of a b and erased it. i am bad at typing. keypad keys make annoying sounds when typed on. why is blogger blue and orange. i think i would much love a cuppie cake right now.

end.

well blogging community. there it is. three whole minutes of my brain. did you survive?

happiness

dear blog,

just thought i'd check in and say that i am feelin happy. today has been a great day. i slept in (always a plus), i watched an audrey hepburn movie in fashion, i was totally confused in government (ps. don't let me forget my current event for next class) and i totally ruled on my english paper. 124 out of 128. that is an A people. hold the applause please. any how. today's just been good. some people made me happy today. and i loved that. i love happiness. if you don't like happiness i just have one thing to say to you... YOU SUCK HATERS. thank you. have a great day

love,

me.

jazz.

jazz+backstage+food+friends=goodtime. there was music. there was dancing. there was food. perfect fun. even if i was there on punishment. i have to make a shout out to the lovely sasha agle. who talked with me and avoided dancing with me. yay for sasha. don't get me wrong. dancing has it's time and place. it just wasn't then. so thank you jazz. and thank you sasha. backstage jazz night was a success.

(p.s. sasha dear... have no fear... the skiddy party is in order.)

photoshoot.

photo shoots. i highly enjoy them. photographers have a way of making spontaneous moments beautiful. kudos. coka and chelsea and jenna and risa are hott. (another thing learned from said photo shoot)... maybe if i grow about 6 more inches i will model... until then. i'll stick with my favorite photographer who doesn't much care about height. :)

sabotage.

today today today... was a great day.

three blondes and a mexican sabotaged a wonderfully neat room that belongs to a certain princess william. not to mention we saran wrapped pretty much everything. and it looks like a sparkle glitter fairy took a dump through out the whole space. but if you think about it... it is his fault... you can't expect little blonde girls to play fair when put in a do or die situation. so enjoy the masterpiece... and oh... dear william... you messed with the wrong blondes and mexican.

p.s. if a fish ends up stabbed... this mexi will go turbo.

have a great day!